Ready to dive in with me on my most vulnerable post yet?!
***ONE YEAR AGO***
“This is not a viable pregnancy.” After those words were muttered by our doctor I didn’t really hear a lot else. So many thoughts raced through my head. You mean we are going to miscarry? Miscarriage – why did that feel like such a dirty word? It shouldn’t, right? Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Why do I feel guilty? Why do I feel ashamed…like I shouldn’t talk about it?…thoughts continued to race through my head… *** ***
I’ve debated for some time now how to put this post into words. How to describe those feelings that many have felt, but are not often discussed. I’ve debated how vulnerable I wanted to be. How will people react? How do you write about something that is so sensitive, yet needs to be talked about more frequently? How many people would care? How many would feel sorry for me, when that isn’t what I want? Who would relate? Would it seem like I am trying to make people feel sorry for me? Why do I feel guilty about this? Would….how….when…who….where…what if….???…Then my next thought was NO! STOP! I am not feeling guilty for sharing about this topic, or the things I’ve felt, experienced, or thought. My intention for this post is to educate, help, or just simply relate to others who have gone through it, and it is NEVER my intent to make people feel sorry for me, because what Derek and I have experienced together only made us stronger, more conscious about our health, and appreciate the things that we learned along the journey.
Even though it’s been a year since our first miscarriage, and 7 months since our second we still carry that weight with us each day. And yes, I do mean WE and OUR, because Derek grieved along with me, and felt that loss too. So many times we were asked how I was doing. Very rarely did they ask how WE were doing. I know that everyone meant well, but if you think I was the only one experiencing pain, you’d be wrong. Derek was just as affected as I was. Not only was he grieving with me, but he also worried FOR me. He watched closely as I emotionally deteriorated at times, and worried about my physical pain too. He told me, “As a husband it is really hard to watch your wife go through all the physical and emotional ups and downs [that miscarriage brings].”
A couple of months ago I came across across a post on Facebook and I couldn’t have put this part of it into better words myself. So let me tell you a few of things this journey has taught me. “…Loss makes you love harder, love more, love selflessly. Loss teaches you that life is never promised. Loss teaches you ANXIETY. Loss gives you ANXIETY. But loss also makes you stronger. It teaches you that you can go on to be okay, to cope. Some days are easier than others. Better days will come…” **Credit: Darian Janae** And yes, I capitalized and italicized the word anxiety, because for the ones of you that know me well, know that I am a go with the flow person and had NEVER DEALT WITH ANXIETY prior to this experience! Let me tell you, it changes you in ways you wouldn’t think!
Want to know what some of the best advice I got from Megan was? She said, “You do know that it’s okay to not be okay, right?” I sat there and thought…IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY? And you know what? She was right…why did I not know this? Why did this never occur to me? Because, I needed someone outside of our circumstances to tell me this, to let me know that feeling NOT OKAY is a totally VALID EMOTION. Bottom line – whatever you are feeling during this journey is VALID. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, anxious, and it’s even okay to smile through it, even when it’s hard, it’s okay to imagine what could have been.
My hope is that we continue to share and communicate widely and openly about miscarriage, because it is often overlooked. It’s easy to talk about a happy and exciting new birth, and it’s amazing, but it’s often awkward and hard to talk about loss, so ultimately we avoid it. So, talk about it for the ones who don’t know, for the ones who have experienced it personally, and for the ones supporting others through it.
Until next time, I’ll be living the dream! Katie. K (Yes…I purposefully put the period after Katie. Why? That’s a story for another time).